Still depressed/hurt/upset/emotional

blah

it sux..

Yeps..

we did. and right now i dont really want to talk about it. I'll explain what happened later. Today is wednesday i think, right? well anyways, we broke up Sunday..

I havent spoken or eaten since then, and im only saying that to explain why i havent answered PM's or emails or anything, i'm not really in a 'chatty' mood.

I kinda just had my heart ripped out, thrown on the ground, stomped on, and then crushed into a million pieces. Sooooo yeah..If you message me i promise i will reply, but probably not straight away..



hugs and kisses,
J

I think that maybe, well..I think I might not be bi after all. I think I'm lesbian.

I mean i look at guys and they have cute faces, but-'but they would be cuter as girls'- always comes to mind.

I like guys, i mean i love them, but as friends. I date guys a lot, but i'm never really interested in them. I mean there personalities are cool, but when i'm dating a guy, its the same as it is with my bff, theres no real chemistry there.

There's only been one guy that i ever really loved. And that was my ex boyfriend Alex. He died..And since him, there hasnt been another guy that has been able to catch me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

With girls it isnt like that. Theres a lot of physical and mental and emotional attraction there. When I'm with a girl, everything just seems right. Well if its the right girl, not every girl obviously, but, ya know, like when I'm dating a girl and we're together(not sexually, but just hanging out) it all just feels perfect, like it was meant to be and nothing could get any better than that feeling. I like girls a lot better physically, and they have a lot more to offer me emotionally. Most guys cannot even begin to relate to me mentally, but most girls can, even as just friends.

When I'm with a guy i'm "dating" its like we're friends hanging out, nothing special about it. We talk, we chill, thats pretty much it.

With girls when we hang out(girls i'm into, not just friends)theres so much more. We can talk about anything and everything, and we can go out just to be able to hold hands while we walk, or we can sit at home and watch movies and just chill, or we can go shopping and spend all the time we want just walking in circles b/c we want to lol, or do totally random stuff that makes no sense at all and would totally confuse a guy, or go play in the rain(one of my favorite things to do) and it be totally innocent, or go to a movie and actually watch the movie, or anything really, and theres always the lil smiles and sideways glances and the way girls touch your hand when they want you to hold it(i do that lol) and the way the look before they kiss you, and the way they play with your hair and laugh when it gets messed up after they spent an hour on it, girls are just more....me. and its Its a lot different, but in a good way.

Guys usually want something, something i wont give them, so it never works out. That and I never really put effort into a relationship with a guy b/c i dont really want to be with them anyways.

So yeah. I'm not sure, i may be bi, but leaning towards girls, or i dont know, i may find a certain guy that can catch me later, but i dont know, right now im really starting to think I'm lesbian.

I dont have to know right now though, I have time to figure that out later. But it does suck being confused about it lol.


Hugs and Kisses,
J

well how is everybody doing? Anything new or eventful? or not, but does anyone just wanna talk??

Well Oh Well...I miss yall though

Hugs and Kisses,
J

Well last time i posted, i told you all about my girlfriend Danielle. And I mentioned that the next time i posted, I'd tell you about what happened at her house.

Alrighty then, here goes. We spent a night at her house, then a night at mine, then a night at hers again. We were both laying in her bed and she was playing with her phone and i thought she was texting someone. Then she handed it to me and it was something along the lines of "would you ever kiss me?" and so that night we kept writing back and forth on her cell and I told her that even if I wanted to kiss her, I wouldnt b/c I'm too shy to make the first move. So we kept talking about how if I wanted to, I should just do it, but I'm too shy and all.

Then the next night we went back to my house, and stayed there two nights. Then went back to hers.

That night, she practically begged me to kiss her, but I cant. I'm too shy to kiss someone. I never make the first move. I just cant, I honestly cant even if I really really want to. Then I think she thought I didnt want to kiss her(I do want to, but i cant, so i want her to kiss me)and she said "well I dont want to pressure you into doing anything you dont want to do" and she got really sad, so I fell asleep. Then the next day I went babysitting with her, and spent the night again cuz she got all upset and asked me to stay another night. The next day, she had to work again, so she left about 5, and around 10 her dad brought me home.

See, the problem is, I really want to be able to kiss her and everything, but I'm super shy. I dont want her to think I dont want to, cuz I really do, its just after all the sexual abuse in my past, i'm nervous about being 'intimate' with someone, even if it is just a kiss, I get scared. I do love this girl though, and I just wish I knew what to do...

Well so thats my uneventful stay with her..

Hugs and Kisses,
Lady J